Down The Rabbit Hole
by babsji
Summary: Telemachus Rhade and a friend of Harper's fall down the proverbial rabbit hole and end up in cheyenne mountain.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Down the Rabbit Hole 

Author: Babette

E-mail: R, possibility to change during course of story

Spoilers: Set somewhere in Season 4, although it is in an alternate universe.

Not completed

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters of Andromeda, or SG-1, and I don't remember who does. I'm making no money off of this either. Anything else I need to cover? The only character I own is Fever, and I don't even have a last name for her yet.

Cross over between SG-1 / Andromeda

Summary: Rhade and a friend of Harper's fall down the proverbial rabbit hole, and end up in Cheyenne Mtn.

Rhade was walking past the commissary, when he stopped and took a few steps back and looked over to the far side with narrowed eyes. Harper and Fever (really, that was her name. Harper even vouched for it. After she started calling him Shameless though, he didn't make to much fun of her name. Of course everyone else now got a kick out of calling him Shameless also) Anyway, they were sitting at a table spread with flexis, whispering and making notes. They were entirely to friendly for his liking."Rommie how long have they been like this?"

"For about three days now. Whenever their shift ends, or they have free time, they're together somewhere talking about 'stuff'."

"What kind of 'stuff'?" Rhade questioned her unusual choice of words.

"I don't know. Harper turns on his privacy mode whenever they're together, and I haven't been able to circumvent it yet. But that is what Harper says when I ask him." For an A.I., Rommie sounded a bit miffed.

"Doesn't that strike you as dangerous, not knowing what Harper is planning? I may be developing some of Dylan's jumps in logic, but Harper and Fever together sounds troublesome. There is no telling what kind of mayhem they are planning."

"I don't know the girl all that well, but with Harper's track record, it does seem a little alarming."

"With Harper's track record, she would be a psychotic looking to destroy the universe, or take over you, Rommie."

"Normally, if she was attracted to Harper, or vice versa, I would say that was true. But they don't seem to be attracted to each other in a sexual sense. Which says something, I'm just not sure what." Rommie admitted.

"Hhum, Keep an eye on them Rommie. They're probably thinking of a way to blow something up." Rhade said decisively and walked off.

"Aye, sir." Rommie's hologram said and flickered out of existence.

If he'd only known, he would have spaced them both.

"Stable wormhole, huh. Do you really think that we can do it?" Harper mused.

"Sure we can. I was able to turn myself blue wasn't I? Just wish that it would wear off quicker?" Fever sighed holding out a blue arm to look at.

"Hehehe. Now tell me again why you wanted to be blue?" Harper snickered.

"Well I didn't want to stay on blue. I'd have rather gotten stuck on say, purple. Hey, I wonder if I tried to dye my hair red, if it would turn purple instead? That would be cool. Anyway, do you remember those old earth toy rings called mood rings? How they were supposed to change color with your mood? It was supposed to work with body temp. Well, I thought it would be cool to have mood skin. You know, have your skin change color with your mood. My chemical formula worked sort of. It kind of broke down somewhere along the line, and my skin got stuck on blue. Which I guess is better than being say, red." She answered good-humouredly.

Harper by this time was doubled up with laughter, "Only you would do something like that."

"Well, if it had worked, I'd be rolling in the dough jackass." She replied huffily.

"Okay, here goes…."

"Hey, I want to flip the switch. You always get to flip them."

"Well, I built it."

"Well I thought of it."

"Well, when you can build one, you can flip. Until then, I get to flip!" Harper said quickly before she could come over and pummel him into letting her do it.

For a moment there was nothing, then it looked like a big wall of water punched out at them, and then fell back into itself. "Ohh, pretty" they said in tandem at what they had wrought. Then the power started draining from Andromeda's systems.

On the command deck Beka, Dylan and Rhade were pondering on a cryptic beacon for help, when the power started flickering around them. Rommie's A.I. appeared on the screen, and started to say, "Captain, Harper and…" then she flickered off.

"Harper!" all three yelled in unison

"What is that insane little man up to now?" growled Rhade "And is that crazy blue girl helping him?"

"Does anybody know where he might be?" sighed Dylan.

"A machine shop somewhere?" hazarded Beka.

"Well let's go people. I really don't have any desire for another Harper caused crisis."

"Agreed."

They met Rommie outside of the machine shop that Harper was currently conducting his experiment in and entered.

"Look boss, a stable wormhole!" Harper crowed triumphantly.

"Harper, that thing is currently draining all of my power." Rommie said indignantly.

Harper, and you, you…AAGH!" Rhade was reduced to angry sounds by the two destructive geniuses.

"He pulled the switch." the girl said in wide-eyed innocence.

"Hey, you thought it up." Harper said indignantly.

"Both of you SHUT IT OFF!" Dylan yelled.

Turning the girl looked longingly at the water drain hole, and said "But it's so pretty." She reached out a hand toward it.

Snarling Rhade yelled "NO!" and grabbed at her.

Too late though, as they were both sucked down the rabbit hole. And just like that it closed behind them, leaving their crewmates in sudden darkness.

"Uh-Oh!" Harper gulped in sudden anxiety.

"Harper fix it, and get them back!" Dylan rubbed his forehead and wondered if it was too late to invest in aspirin stock.

General O'Neill was walking the corridors trying to think of a way to miss the up coming meeting with the brass. Finances were on the agenda. Why couldn't they understand that he just liked shooting or blowing things up? Anything else was a pain in the ass. Suddenly, alarm klaxons began blaring of an unauthorized iris opening. He looked up momentarily, and said, "So someone is listening," and started jogging to the command center. He arrived just in time to see two people fall through the gate. One female, one male. Jack said dryly to Sam, "Yeah, I'm going to go with their alien. Have we met any blue skinned people yet? How about ones with spikes in their arms? Anyone?"

Samantha Carter was looking at the male intently. "Doesn't that look like Major Coburn?"

"Huh… It sure does. Do we know where he is right now?"

"He's off-world with SG-3. They aren't due back for another week sir."

"Well, call them back, and make sure that he's still himself. You know, I can't for the life of me understand why there are two of him in the universe, much less three."

Some technician replied, "It must be one of the universes jokes sir."

Than a female technician smarted back, "Well, the Goddess obviously answers some prayers," and then stuck her tongue out at the other technician.

Jack looked at him momentarily trying to puzzle out who they were when Colonel Carter called his attention back to the Gate room.

"Sir, we need to separate them. I don't like the way he's slapping the girl's head, and gripping her arm. She is much smaller than him and she seems to be upset with him. I think that we should help her, even if she is blue."

"Well I agree with the separating part…"

Rhade quickly orientated himself to a room full of obvious soldiers holding a perimeter around them with primitive but effective looking weapons. Glaring at Fever, he began to slap the side of her head as he held onto her arm. "What have I told you about touching things!" he yelled as he did.

"Hey, hey, hey. It's not my fault! You touched me!" She sputtered as she ducked and twisted trying to escape his grasp.

"Oh, I believe it is." Easily keeping a grasp on her as he eyed the soldiers warily.

The soldiers in the meantime were becoming slightly twitchy from their behavior. One came forward and grabbed Rhade's arm to wrest the girl from him. Snarling he let Fever go to throw the man back into the others. Lifting his arm, he extended his bone blades in clear challenge, dropping his other hand to his force lance. The soldiers clicked off safeties and fell back taking aim.

"Well, that's new." Jack said in a thoughtful voice.

Fever looked around nervously, seeing their tension and Rhade's. She put her hands on the flared blades and tried to fold them back down. (Drawing blood for her troubles, her blood.)

"Rhade, I don't think now is the time…"

"Get your hands off my blades!" Rhade said in a dangerous voice still watching the soldiers.

She ignored his voice as she put herself between him and the soldiers trying to look him in the eyes. "Rhade are you listening to me?" She yelled. Her uninjured hand fell to his on the force lance. Trying to pull it from his grasp, she accidentally activated its deterrent since he hadn't set The DNA sniffer to accept her. The electric shock threw her back a couple of steps, which made an already skittish soldier fire off a shot.

As the soldiers started yelling in confusion, Fever looked at Rhade with wide-eyes, "That kind of hurt." She gasped as she slowly started to collapse.

Rhade lunged forward to catch her.

She looked confusedly at her side, "What's that purple stuff?", she gasped as she passed out.

"Damnit girl, I am going to beat you if we get out of this!" he snarled as he dropped her flat to try and staunch the flow of blood.

One of the soldiers with a bit more sense called for a medic and tried to assemble the others into control.

As the confusion died down, Jack called out over the intercom, "Alright I want to know who's in charge, and who fired that shot!"

"Sir, Sgt Kline is in charge, sir! Airman Jones fired the shot sir!"

"I need to see both of ya'll when this is sorted out. Understood?"

"Sir, yes sir!"

Sighing Jack rubbed his head and said, "Somebody tell the infirmary that we've shot an alien and will be there soon. Somebody else find Teal'q and ask if he is aware of any aliens that look like them, and then contact the Asgards and Tok'Ras and ask them also." Looking around at the still command center, "Immediately would be good."

"Sam, you're with me. Let's go say Howdy." Turning back, he continued, "Someone also find Daniel. Maybe he can understand what they're saying."

Coming into the gate room, Jack looked around quizzically at the soldiers and the medics and the new arrivees. "What is this? A Mexican Stand-off?"

A soldier answered with out taking his eyes off of Rhade, "Sir, he won't step away from the girl. And I won't let the medic near her until he does."

"Well, isn't this a pickle."

"Sir?"

"Sir, this is ridiculous! Give me the medical supplies, I'm going over there." Colonel Carter snapped.

"Sir, I'm willing to risk going over there even if he won't leave." The medic said glaring at the soldier, not to be out done by a mere colonel

Watching Rhade holding the blue girl as she moaned, Jack said, "Okay, as long as you're aware of the danger. Although, I think he has his hands full at the moment"

Sam and the medic walked forward slowly, holding their hands out in peaceful manner. Upon arriving, they opened the medical to signify their intentions. Nodding his understanding, Rhade gave them the room they needed to examine the wound.

"Colonel, that blood is awfully red for an alien. Are we sure she is one? Even though she is blue." The medic asked nervously as he placed a pressure bandage to her side.

"At this point we don't know anything." Sam said worriedly. "But I'm sure that it can't be good to have so much of it outside of her body. I hope that we can come up with some kind of match for it." She continued as she motioned for the stretcher to be brought over.

By this time Fever was coming to, and stared up at Rhade and two other people she didn't know. "Did I fall down?" she asked before her back arched with the sudden pain.

Rhade quickly helped hold her down as he attempted to make soothing noises to her. "You're going to be alright…. Until I get you back to the ship, then I'm going to beat you and Harper. But for now, they're going to help you."

She yelped and clutched at Rhade when she saw the stretcher, "Don't let them take me! I don't want an anal probe!"

With a surprised expression, Rhade answered, "They aren't going to give you an anal probe."

"How do you know? Have you ever had one before? Because that is what little grey aliens do, capture people and give them anal probes and perform medical experiments on them."

"They aren't little grey aliens, and they aren't going to perform any experiments on you, or give you an anal probe. Although if you don't stop it, I may tell them to do it. Now calm down, and let them see to your side!" Rhade snapped. Bedside manner wasn't something that he was good at.

"They have some kind of mind control devise that makes you think that they aren't little grey aliens. Don't leave me alone with them! I'm not hurt!" She batted at Colonel Carter and the medic as they attempted to place her on the stretcher. "Rhade!"

Jack called out then, "Doc give her a painkiller or a sedative, but get her calmed down. And if she won't let the big guy go, let him go with her to the infirmary. That's probably where he's headed anyway."

"Sir, we don't know what kind of effect human drugs will have on her system. It could kill her."

"Well at least she'll die on happy."

"I am here O'Niell." Teal'q said quietly from Jack's side.

"Good. Do you have any idea what they are?"

"No, I have never seen or heard of their type before."

"Huh. Well stay on the big guy. I don't want him to get any ideas. And some one get that big cattle prod from him. And do I have to tell anyone to stay at least an arm's length from him? He looks like he knows how to use those spikes." Looking at how calm the girl had become, he said, "Well doc, the happy drugs seem to be doing the job. Any abnormal side effects?"

"It may be to soon to tell."

"We can only hope."

Much later, everyone met in the conference room to discuss the new 'guests' and surrounding events. Jack looked around at his team, and said, "Well, can anyone tell me anything? Like what are they? Where did they come from? Anything at all?"

"What they are is easy. They're human."

"Huh!"

"But one of them is blue. And the other…has..things in his arms."

"Never less, they are still more or less human."

"More or less human… Gotta say doc, doesn't sound human."

"They are what humans would be after genetic engineering, and natural evolution. And I don't think that she is supposed to be blue. And the spikes in his arms are actually bones."

"Really. .. Could've fooled me with the blue part."

"Why would you want bones outside of your body? I hope it isn't like a funny bone, and gives you that funny pain if you bump it wrong." Daniel broke in interestedly.

"Well Daniel, if you can figure out how to communicate with them, maybe you can ask him… Anything yet?"

"It seems to be a derivative of English."

"Right. English… Doesn't sound English."

"It's what English might sound like if you put a couple of thousand years between us and them."

"Are you trying to suggest that they are from the future, or an alternate universe?" Colonel Carter asked.

"That may explain the nanabots in their systems."

"Nanabots? They have nanabots?"

"I'm sorry."

"Grrh."

"Please don't be mad."

"Grrh!"

"I said I was sorry."

"Grrh Grrawl!"

"How long are you going to be mad?"

"I would suggest, NOT TALKING TO ME!"

"Gesh. You don't have to be so Uber about it." She muttered sticking her tongue out at him.

"What did you say!" he roared in frustration.

Outside the infirmary, Sam turned to Jack, "I really don't like the way he treats her."

"You don't know Sam, maybe there is a reason that he treats her like he does. Maybe she's like Daniel, and things just happen around her. But until we can understand them, their relationship is just conjecture." As they walked off, he muttered "Really interesting conjecture though."

The next day as General O'Niell and another officer were walking towards medical, a biologist, correction a very new biologist fell into step besides them. "Sir, I believe the big alien feels like he has to protect the blue alien. When they went to sleep, at least I assume it was sleep; he kept himself between her and the soldiers at the door. I think that was a form of protection." He beamed in self-importance.

"Or it could be territorial, or a mating ritual, or maybe he was waiting to kill her without the gaurds noticing…"

"Do you really think so?"

"Now, now Coburn. What did I tell you about teasing the scientist?" Jack said warningly. Glancing into the infirmary doors, they stared at the big guy stalking and batting his arms as the blue girl threw stuff at him.

"See, what did I tell you. He wants to kill her."

Sighing, Jack said, "At least the Asgard think that they have come up with some kind of translator microbe so we can understand them since Daniel hasn't been able to yet."

Walking up, Daniel replied, "Eventually I believe that I would be able to. But no, you had to have immediate results. I guess that you're in a hurry to shoot them aren't you?"

"Well sir, lets put those translator things on and get this over with. I'm still hoping to find the address for the planet of endless beaches and harem babes…. Please don't repeat that to Colonel Carter."

"Wouldn't dream of it Coburn. Kind of want to go there myself. And the translator thingys are something you ingest, not put on. Do you want to be the first test subject?"

"Uh, No sir… Isn't that what science geeks are for?"

That would be a good use for them wouldn't it?"

Sighing Daniel pulled out a vial from his pocket and said, "I'll go first." After swallowing, he asked, "Did that Asgards say how long it might take to activate?" As he looked at Jack and Coburn, the infirmary doors burst open, hitting him in the face and knocking him down. The blue girl skidded through with one of the soldier's gun, which she quickly jammed through the handles. Making it impossible for Rhade, Teal'q or the soldiers to follow her. Holding her side, she turned to run away and fell into Coburn's arms. It took her a moment to recognize his face as matching Rhade's, at which time she screamed and punched him. Coburn dropped her to try and block her blow.

"Fever, what is going on out there?" Rhade called from the other side of the doors.

"Argh. Danmit Rhade. How did you make a copy of yourself? That is so not fair, you fucking Uber." Holding her side in pain, she tried to stand back up. Jack and Coburn both reached down to help her, but she batted their hands away.

"Rhade, the aliens want to give me an anal probe!"

"What! Damnit girl! What is it with you and anal probes? They do NOT want to give you one! Now open the door!" Rhade snarled looking through the door windows at her. Impatiently he glared at the soldiers trying to get him away from the doors as he tossed them across the room.

Daniel in the mean time was leaning against the wall laughing.

"Daniel a little help here." Jack said staring at his strange behavior.

"Jack, she thinks that you want to give her an anal probe. She thinks that we're aliens."

Jack and Coburn froze, put their hands up and backed away slowly.

Coburn said confusedly, "O-kay, no one here wants to give the blue girl thing an anal probe do they?"

By this time Teal'q and Rhade had finally broke the door down to get out, both looking angry.

"What did you do this time?" Rhade said glaring. "Besides trying to lock me up, and making me mad."

"I didn't do anything! Why is it always my fault?"

"Because it usually is."

"Hey Shameless built it, so all of this is his fault."

"Ah, but you gave him the idea. The two of you alone get into enough trouble, the two of you together will destroy the universe."

"That is so not true!"

"Do you need help getting off the floor?"

"Yes." She answered almost crying.

Sniffing the air, he said, "I smell blood. I believe that you've opened your wound again. You really shouldn't exert yourself in antagonizing me until you're stronger. And when you do it then, I can beat you senseless." Kneeling, he swiftly turned her on her good side and pulled the hospital gown away to expose the bandages on her midriff. Also exposing the tattoo on the small of her back, and the old scars that covered the rest of it.

"Uh Jack, did Dr. Frasier say anything about those scars?" Daniel questioned.

"No, can't say that she did."

About this time, Dr Frasier and Colonel Carter came running up with more soldiers.

"General, what the hell is going on? Have we started a strip show on base now?" Colonel Carter demanded angrily.

"No, no, nothing like that. Just a minor misunderstanding. Teal'q, care to add anything?"

"She is extremely fast sir. She started shouting at him, then she was throwing things, and then she had Jones' weapon. Then she was out the doors. We mistakenly tried to stop him, when we should have gone after her."

"Ya think?"

"If I might observe sir, I believe he is called either Ra-Day, or OOber. At least that is what she calls to get his attention."

Hearing his name, Rhade stood with Fever in his arms, just then noticing his double.

"How did you make a copy of yourself, and how come you get one and I don't?" Fever complained to him.

"I did not make the copy, and would like to know how he came about also. And the Universe does not need two of you running amuck in it."

"Huh, Ra…Doesn't sound good. Doc, are you positive that he isn't a Goa'uld?" Jack asked hopefully.

Daniel rolled his eyes, and handed the doctor and colonel small vials. "Here Sam, Doctor. These are the translator microbes that the Asgard came up with. It kicks in pretty quick." Holding two more out to Rhade and the girl, he motioned for them to drink.

Distrustfully they watched the doctor and Sam drink before they drank theirs.

"Doctor Jackson. Can I have one?" Coburn asked watching Rhade with fascination.

Jack sighed, and said to no one in particular, "I suppose that means that I have to take one also."

"I'll take one also Dr. Jackson." The biologist said eagerly.

Once again, the conference room. This time it was everybody including Major Coburn and the guests. Fever had changed her hospital gown for some ill-fitting BDUs and a T-shirt. She had refused to be separated from Rhade. She said that one, in all tri-Ds, someone always died when they separated, or had sex. And two, Rhade was her best bet for getting back because Nietzcheans had that survival instinct. After refusing to hear another word about it, she sat between Rhade and Coburn as they eyed each other over her head. Keeping her fingers on Rhade's blades, she leaned into Coburn suddenly and sniffed him.

"Sir, she's sniffing me."

"Well, Coburn, sniff her back." Jack told him with raised eyebrows.

"What are you doing Fever?"

"I'm performing a scientific test. Duh."

Rhade said nothing as he narrowed his eyes at her and raised an eyebrow.

"I'm checking to see if ya'll smell different."

"Of course we smell different."

"There is no of course going on here Rhade. In case you haven't noticed. You look and sound the same." She looked at Coburn suddenly and muttered something about the five senses to herself.

Coburn looked at her distrustfully with narrowed eyes. "What?"

She reached up and held his head still as she licked the side of his face.

"SIR! She just licked me!"

She turned to Rhade to do the same to him, and he growled at her.

"What do you think you are doing?"

"I'm seeing if you taste the same."

"We don't."

"How do you know?"

"Call it intuition."

"Huh, you Nieztcheans bred out intuition along with a sense of humor a long time ago."

"Sit down and behave. If you have a desire to do something, ask me first. Right now, the only thing you have permission to do is to breathe."

Jack asked interestedly, "Does that usually work?"

"No. But I'm counting on her being hurt and drugged to emphasize things."

"So, on to the matter at hand… What are you doing here? How did you get here and do you have any plans to go back anytime soon?"

Holding the bridge of his nose, Rhade sighed and said, "I'm not sure how we got here. Fever and Seamus Harper, our chief engineer, built what they called a stable wormhole on the Andromeda. Which started to drain all power from the ship. Before it could be shut off, she touched it, I touched her, and we ended up here."

"So it's safe to say that you don't have any goals of taking over Earth, or the Universe? …And that you also don't have any idea how to get back?"

Fever broke in, "Ha! Who'd want to have the Earth? It's a hellhole after the Magog and the Drago-Kazovs finished with it. It took me a long time to escape the slave camps. Why would I want to go back? Even if I was in charge of it."

"Slave camps? Earth has slave camps?"

"The whole planet is a slave camp. Haven't you been listening?"

"I'm afraid it's true. Your planet is just a back water slave camp in our time, or reality, or what ever you want to call it." Rhade sighed glaring at Fever.

"But I do have goals." She interjected cheerfully.

"Ah… I'm afraid to ask what kind, but do proceed."

"I've already achieved my first goal, which was to reduce Rhade from spoken words to angry sounds. My second goal is to help save the Universe. My third goal is to get Rhade to beat his head against a wall. My forth goal is to be smarter than Harper. My fifth goal is to get Rhade to pull his own hair out. My sixth goal is to have my very own ship. And my last goal is to have Rhade beg me to shoot him." She announced happily as she ticked the goals off her fingers.

Daniel observed, "Well, from Rhade's expression, I do believe that you are well on your way to achieving either your third or fifth goal."

"I guess that it's good that you have goals…. Although some goals are better than others. Saving the Universe good. Getting someone to pull his hair out, not so good." General O'Neill observed blandly.

Teal'q thought to himself that he was glad he didn't have hair, while Coburn and Daniel smoothed theirs down. And Dr.Fraiser and Colonel Carter looked at the ceiling, trying not to laugh. Rhade, well Rhade just looked like he wanted to kill.

Rhade glared over at Dr.Fraiser, "What kinds of drugs have you given her? I would not object at all if you take her off of them. In fact, Fever in pain is a good thought."

Fever just stuck her tongue out at him, and then said, "Oh, Dr Frasier can I have some more of the drugs where I can see my hands have trailers, and your voice goes all funny sounding?"

Coburn looked at her, then at the doctor. "What exactly are you giving her? Because it sounds like they are better than the ones you give us when we return from firefights."

"We're still experimenting and adjusting her medications. We aren't entirely sure how her system reacts. She is human, but there are some little differences that have us puzzled. The nanabots are also doing something."

"Perhaps it would help to know what her nanabots are programmed to do."

"They don't all do the same thing?"

"Of course not. There are some that aid in healing; some that aid in muscle performance, some help conduct electrical impulses faster. Some are defensive in that they protect against attacking nanabots. They are very versatile."

"You know Rhade, you are really obnoxious when you're being smug." Fever observed.

Ignoring her comment, he asked, "Do you know what yours are for?"

"No, not really. I guess just the standard stuff. I know that I received some in the camps, some on the first drift I was on after I escaped Earth, and Trance and Rommie gave me a whole bunch more inoculations when I came aboard that Andromeda."

"Hum, I may be able to program the DNA sniffer in my force lance to recognize what some of their functions are. If I may be allowed access to it."

"Oh no, I'm not going to let you perform any experiments on me. You're a sadist. Any experimenting going on, I'll do it myself."

"From the last two experiments that you've done, you are the last one to be in charge of anything."

"What! What last two experiments?"

"The one that got us here…"

"Hey, I blame that one on Shameless!"

"….And the one that turned your skin blue."

"What's wrong with blue skin? I think it's kind of cool."

"Nothing is wrong with blue skin, if that is your natural skin tone."

"Just because you lack imagination, along with a sense of humor…" she started to say.

"Oh, I have lots of imagination. I imagine you in a lot of pain, I can also imagine you apologizing, and begging for my forgiveness…"

"Oh, me apologizing to an Uber! I was wrong, that does take a lot of imagination." She retorted glaring at him.

"Insulting a Nietzchean is not healthy for a human's health. Especially one so itsy-bitsy."

"Oh, I'll show you what itsy bitsy can do, ya frikin' Uber!"

"GRhh!"

"What, nothing to say? Have you been reduced from spoken words again?"

"You know Sam, are we sure that we can't give him his electric stick back to shock her a few times?" Jack said quietly to Sam. "And by the way, do you still think that he treats her bad?"

Sam looked at him and replied, "I'm just surprised that he hasn't killed her yet."

"Oh, give it a little time Sam. I'm sure that she's gonna drive him to it soon."

Daniel leaned over and asked, "Do we have any idea how old she is, or where and how she received those scars? You don't think that he beats her do you?"

"Those scars are old, and they way she treats him, I don't think that he has ever laid a finger on her."

"She kind of treats him like a security blanket."

"I don't know about you Sam, but I never tormented my security blanket like that. ..Not that I ever had one, though." Jack was quick add-on.

"I mean in the fact that besides the times she has been unconscious, she has not let him out of her sight." Sam clarified.

Daniel said thoughtfully, "Have you noticed that she is constantly touching him? Either consciously, or unconsciously?" Watching her stare down with Rhade, he continued, "It's more like the 'drive big brother crazy syndrome'… Of course since I'm an only child I could be wrong."

"Nope…. I'm going to have to side with your conclusions. There is a definite vibe of 'let's drive some one crazy' going on."

Leaning back, Daniel turned to watch the two. "Did she just try and stick a pen up his nose?" He asked idly.

"Indeed Daniel Jackson."

"Maybe we should let him have access to a punching bag."

"That would seem appropriate Daniel Jackson."

At that moment Selmak arrived. He paused and stared at the blue girl a moment, and continued to where his host's daughter, Colonel Samantha Carter, was

seated and joined her.

"I can say honestly, before this moment, I have never come across any blue skinned humanoids. Nor any humans with bones protruding from their arms naturally." Selmak began before General O'Neill asked his inevitable questions.

"Glad to hear it. But I think we've narrowed it down to an alternate universe, or from the future. Apparently, they're more or less human."

"More or less human." Selmak repeated, trying out the words.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Jack continued, raising his voice so that Dr. Fraiser was sure to hear, "But my opinion obviously doesn't mean much around here."

Dr. Fraiser threw him an irritated glance before turning herself back to Fever.

"Now why exactly did you turn yourself blue?"

Rolling her eyes, as only young adults can do, she repeated herself, "I told you, I was trying to come up with a formula for 'mood skin.' You know, sort of like those old toy mood rings that they used to have on Earth. It was supposed to change colors with your mood."

"Mood skin? So this isn't a dye job, but a chemical reaction? That sounds kind of dangerous. Your captain allowed you to conduct this experiment?"

"First, he's not my captain, just my boss. Second, I don't ask him what I can and can't do. I'm not an academy pinhead like some people." She said glaring at Rhade irritated. "Third, I did this way before I came aboard the Andromeda." She shifted in her seat, trying to ease the pain in her side.

"Academy pinhead? What exactly is an academy pinhead?" Coburn asked snidely. He was rubbed the wrong way by Fever's wild comments.

"Ignore it. Most of the time, she doesn't think before opening her mouth." Rhade spoke to him calmly. As Fever slumped down further in the chair, he asked, "Fever are you alright? Is your side hurting?"

"No, I'm fine. Just hot." Fever said sullenly.

"Any chance of you sitting up, like the rest of us?"

"I don't want to." She continued sullenly, as she kicked the underside of the table.

"Do you realize that we can tell the level of pain that you are in by how obnoxious you are?" Rhade continued.

Brows furrowed, Fever said insulted, "I am not obnoxious."

"You just stated that some of your goals are to irritate me to death. How is that not obnoxious?"

Yes, you can't have it both ways." Coburn began to tease her also.

As Fever turned to toss a glare Coburn's way, Rhade motioned the doctor to give her more painkillers.

"I'm only obnoxious to Rhade." She said loftily.

"Why is that?"

"Because he's a Nietzchean, and thinks that he is superior to the rest of the Universe."

"I am superior."

"Not!"


	2. Chapter 2

**DTRH Chapter 2**

General O'Neill and Colonel Carter looked at the two visitors sitting across the desk from them. General O'Neill held his head on his hand as his elbow rested on the desk. "Well, good news is, you've been cleared to leave the infirmary, and can stay in the VIP rooms for visiting dignitaries."

Fever grinned at him mischievously "Oh, we're dignitaries now? Hear that Rhade, I'm a dignitary. I guess that means you have to treat me with respect. Ha!"

"Respect goes both ways. I'll respect you as much as you respect me."

She gave a disgusted pout at that logic. Glaring, she asked, "Well General, what is the bad news?"

"Bad news?"

"You said quote, 'the good news is'. Which implies that there is bad news. So what is the bad news?"

"Oh that. … Well, you're still not cleared to leave the base. So no outside trips for you."

"You do realize that it's kind of boring here, right?"

"We invaded their base Fever. We aren't here to entertained." Rhade admonished.

"Speak for yourself Uber."

Colonel Carter broke in hurriedly, "We've prepared separate rooms for you."

Fever crossed her arms, and stared at Colonel Carter through narrowed eyes. "Separate rooms? What for?"

"I have no objections to separate rooms." Rhade said superiorly. 'In fact, I might enjoy a room of my own." He said looking at Fever smugly. "Is there some reason that we shouldn't have separate rooms? It's not like we shared rooms on the Andromeda."

Looking shifty, Fever replied, "No of course not. ... Are you going to be nearby? You know, just in case?"

"Just in case of what Fever?" Rhade asked in amusement.

"I don't know, an emergency or something." She shrugged seemingly nonchalantly.

"Well, now that's settled, I'll show you to your quarters for the time being." Colonel Carter said decisively in relief.

"Behind the Generals and Colonels' backs Fever stuck her tongue out a Rhade and made a face at him. Rhade merely raised an eyebrow at her and gestured for her to proceed.

Looking at their separate doors, Fever asked, "Can we leave the doors open?"

"Why should we leave the doors open?" Rhade asked acerbated.

"I don't know, maybe we'll be attacked!"

"We're on a military base, underground in the middle of a mountain. Who is going to attack us?"

She raised her own eyebrow and said just as superiorly, "You place entirely to much faith in the military Rhade." and marched head held high into her room, pointedly leaving her door open.

Rhade gazed after silently, shaking his head in amazement before continuing to his room. In concession though, he did leave his door cracked.

The first night that SG-1 had the two separated, it only lasted 2 hours. Then she started screaming for him, and he came running.

He came running in bare chested and demanded, "What! What is it?"

"Oh you came. I Just had a nightmare." she said innocently.

"Nightmare? You haven't been to sleep yet!" He snarled.

"How do you know?" She countered.

"You have no, as you say, bed hair. Also humans secrete a hormone when they go into REM." He answered impatiently.

"Oh... So you won't stay until I go to sleep?"

Grinding his teeth, he turned and began to beat his head against the wall until the security detail came to escort him back to his room. They had come in response to Fever's screams also.

About two hours later, she came to his door and whispered, "Rhade." Quiet for a moment, then a little a little louder, "Rhade, are you awake?" Still louder, "Rhade?"

"What?" his voice positively dripped ice.

"Oh good, you're still awake." She came over and sat on his bed in the semi-darkness. "Will you tell me a story?"

"Gahh!"

"Okay, if you don't know any stories, can we talk about your sense of smell? I've heard Ubers, sorry, I mean Nietzcheans have really sensitive noses." She reclined back on her elbows and looked at him. He just glared at her silently.

"What is the worst thing that you've ever smelled? Hum, no answer. What about when someone lets out a really rank fart in a closed room? Or smelly feet? Oh, oh, oh. What about when Harper forgets to take a bath for a few days. Does that really bother you? 'Cause it does me. Can you tell if someone hasn't changed their underwear in a few days? 'Cause I've heard that males do that. Wear the same underwear for days on end."

Rhade groaned and turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling.

She rolled on her back also, with arms behind her head and continued, "So, what else can you smell really well? Better yet, what smells good to a Nietzchean? Fresh baked chocolate chip cookies? Coffee? Flowers? Tangerines? Does fresh cut grass smell like watermelons to you?"

"If I answer any of these questions, will you please go to bed?"

"Sure." She replied. "….Eventually."

"Okay, yes, I can tell when Rommie hasn't been able to get Harper to take a bath, and it is offensive. I can tell how healthy a human is by their body odor…"

"Oh really? …Am I healthy?"

"Besides the medicine giving you a metallic smell, you smell very healthy. In spite of all the sugar and caffeine you consume. Other smells, since Nietzcheans don't consume sugar or caffeine, cookies, and coffee fresh or not, don't appeal. What we find extremely appealing is the smell of an aroused woman, or an ovulating woman."

"Eww. T.M.I."

"T.M.I?"

"Too much information! …You can really smell when a woman is ovulating? … That is just wrong in so many ways."

"You can ask me if I can tell when a person has clean underwear on, but the fact that I can smell an aroused female is too much information?"

"Duh! That's like finding out your parents have sex. …Not that I have any, but you get the gist."

"So why won't you sleep in your room?"

"Because of the rules, and the Boogeyman."

"What rules and who is this Boogeyman?"

"The rules for surviving a scary movie. And the Boogeyman is some psycho who hides in your closet wearing a Halloween mask. He likes to stab you, then chop you up and eat you after he makes clothes out of your skin. Apparently Chianti and fava beans go well with that meal."

All Rhade could do was groan and vow to kill whoever was filling her head with more nonsense.

This went on the entire night. At the 8 am roll call, Rhade had bloodshot eyes, a bruised forehead and an angry look. Fever had her head on her arms trying to sleep.

Colonel Carter looked at them and asked, "Was something wrong with your rooms?"

Jack and Daniel looked around innocently because they had already received the story of the night's escapades from security.

"Rhade kept me up all night." Fever mumbled.

This time it was Colonel Carter who raised her eyebrows in disbelief as Rhade ground his teeth.

"There was nothing wrong with our rooms Colonel Carter, simply with the information that Fever is being exposed to. I would like the name of the person who is introducing Fever to 'horror' movies and books, and request that she sleep with them." Rhade ground out irritated.

"Excuse me?" Sam questioned in surprise.

Jack broke in amusement, "Major Coburn, care to answer Mr. Rhade? No. How about you Daniel?"

"Sir, she comes from a galaxy far, far away. Who would've thought that she was so susceptible to horror."

"Not funny Daniel."

"Damnit Fever, I've seen you face down Magog and Kalderns without flinching. Why are you so scared of things that don't exist?" Rhade demanded impatiently.

"Because they do to exist!" Fever declared. "He waits in your closet to see if you follow the rules, and if you don't, he stabs you, makes clothes out of your skin, and then chops you up and eats you."

"Coburn, what the hell have you been letting her watch?"

"But she is so cute when she watches things through her fingers. She's already got the rules down on how to survive a scary movie."

"What exactly are these rules you're telling Fever about?" Rhade asked impatiently.

"Well, the first one is you can never have sex. The second is…" Fever started.

"The second is never drink or do drugs." Daniel continued for her amused.

"And the third is to never say 'I'll be right back'." Coburn said with a smirk.

"A variation of the last rule is to never separate." Teal'q supplied tranquilly.

General O'Neill looked at her and said calmly, "Those are all very good rules for you to follow Fever. We wouldn't want anything else to happen to you."

"See Rhade, everyone knows the rules except for you." Fever mumbled sleepily. Suddenly Fever raised her head with a curious look in her eyes. "Hey Coburn, I've got a question. If two people have sex, but don't separate from the group, does that cancel out the death factor? Or do they all die even though it was only two of the group having sex?"

Jack looked at her and then Coburn, as everyone except for Rhade and Teal'q, started snickering. "How 'bout I get this one?" Looking at Fever, O'Neill answered. "Nope they still die, but everyone else escapes while they're being killed."

Sam had her head on her arms laughing as Rhade began to beat his head on the table in frustration. "Please don't encourage her!"

"Well, she has achieved her third or is it her fifth goal again." Daniel commented.

Coburn looked at the General and said, "So I guess letting her watch 'Dog Soldiers' and 'Amityville Horror' is out of the question?"

"I don't know Coburn, why don't you ask Mr. Rhade?"

Glaring at him, Rhade snarled, "Do you even have to ask?"

Teal'q looked at General O'Neill and said with a small smile, "I feel that her thinking patterns are unique. She doesn't seem to be burdened with many preconceived notions. Although, I'm not sure that it is a good thing or not."

"Oh really, I was just going to call her plum crazy." Jack said idly.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that." Sam disagreed. "She just seems young to me."

"Sam, she just said that she believes in the Boogeyman."

"No she didn't. She doesn't know what the Boogeyman is. She simple took a bunch of serial killers and incorporated them into one being. What?" Sam asked as Jack raised eyebrows at her.

Daniel defended Colonel Carter by saying, "She's right Jack. I don't think that Fever nor Telemachus have ever heard of the Boogeyman until they arrived here. She is simply giving a name and characteristics to an unknown entity. Like the parable of five blind men describing an elephant."

"Good God Daniel, can you not for once give a simple explanation? Just say she's insane and forget about it."

"But she's not. She's a sweet, intelligent girl." Daniel was quiet a moment as everyone just looked at him. "Okay, she's sweet to me." He hastily added.

"Of course she's sweet to you. All the psychos are." The general was quiet a moment before asking, "What is she doing?"

Teal'q answered, "She is giving extremely graphic and lurid descriptions of the Boogeyman's murders to Rhade. She sounds like she is in awe of his abilities."

Rhade looked over at the SG-1 unit, and demanded, "Will someone please tell her that these people don't exist."

Sam said sweetly, "Can't do it. Most of the stories are based on actual events. Take The Texas Chainsaw Murderer. He was actually a man named Ed Guin. He killed strangers and kept their skins. He used their bodies as hamburger meat as his roadside store. He was also called Leatherface because he liked to wear their skins."

"Eeww…. Know any more stories?"

"No, don't tell her anymore horror stories! I'll never be able to get any sleep. She's bad enough as it is."

"Am not!"

"Excuse me, who kept me up all night asking for stories?"

"Well, Rommie either plays music or tells me stories until I go to sleep."

"She's a warship! She doesn't do those sort of things."

"She does for me. And she knows lots of cool stories. A lot better than the ones you know I bet."

"Should we tell them that we can give her a radio?" Coburn asked.

"Nah. I'm having to much fun watching them argue." Jack answered. "Maybe later. If she decides to switch to driving us crazy instead of him."


	3. Chapter 3

DTRH Chapter 3 

Rhade looked at Fever suspiciously. "What are you planning?"

She started out of her thoughts looking slightly guilty. "Nothing"

"You're up to something."

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are. You have that look."

"What look?" She asked attempting to look innocent.

"That look that both you and Harper had before creating the wormhole. So answer the question, What-are-you-up-to?"

Tugging on an ear, Fever tried to look pitiful as she asked, "Do you think that they'd let me use one of their labs to play in?"

Giving her an uncompromising look, "No. And even if they did, I wouldn't allow it."

Crossing her arms, she sulked. "You're no fun!"

"If you are bored, you can always work out with me."

"That's not how I envision getting hot and sweaty." She answered mulishly.

Rhade looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"What?" She asked as she raised an eyebrow right back at him.

"You're not allowed top get hot and sweaty in the way you implied."

"Says you!"

"Says your commanding officer while we are on this mission."

"What mission? And you're not my boss." She shot back.

"While we are on this planet, I am responsible for your safety, and our interaction diplomatically with these people. So therefore I am in charge and you will do as I say."

For once she kept her mouth shut as she glared up at him, and didn't tell him where he could stick his orders.

Later with Daniel Jackson in one of the research areas, she said desperately "I have to get out of here! I'm suffocating. All my intelligence is oozing out of me! I'll never be smarter than Harper if I stay here. The military autocracy is sucking it all out at night when I sleep aren't they? They need fresh brains don't they?"

Daniel looked at her in alarm as she sat on a stool hyperventilating, holding a priceless thousands of years old piece of history. He carefully took the artifact out of her shaking hands and asked matter of factly, "Coburn let you watch 'Puppet masters' aka 'The Pod People' didn't he? I thought you understood the concept of fiction? And how Hollywood doesn't know how to tell the truth."

"Just because you have not seen these things widely, doesn't make it not so! I think that this Hollywood is brilliant far getting these ideas out and not get eliminated in the process." Fever continued dramatically.

Daniel looked at her puzzled for a moment. "You do realize that Hollywood is a place, not a person don't you?"

"I thought it was a person the way that everyone talks about him." She said distractedly as she looked at an air vent in the wall. "But that is unimportant right now. I'm concerned about me right now. I have to go for a walk, I need to measure the hallways."

"You need to measure the hallways?" Daniel repeated, thrown by her leaps in logic.

"Yes, to make sure that the walls aren't moving in. They seem to be smaller to me. It's making me claustrophobic that they move."

"Fever, you live on a space ship. How can you be claustrophobic? Agoraphobic I can believe. Claustrophobic, no."

Looking at him as if he was a child, she continued, "I'm still going to measure the hallways, just to be sure. Do you want to help?"

"No. No I don't, I've work to do." Daniel answered, irritated by her look.

At that moment Coburn came in tossing a small statue from hand to hand. "Hey Doc, we found this near the gate on EG89A. Looked old to us, so we thought that you might like to examine it."

Daniel started toward him in alarm. "Please don't do that with the artifacts!"

Coburn smirked at him as he began to toss the statue in the air, and asked innocently, "Do what?"

"THAT! Tossing and throwing around! Most of these pieces are irreplaceable! Now please get out of my workroom before you break something!" Daniel said pompously as he grabbed the statue out of the air in front of Coburn. "In fact, why don't you go help Fever measure the hallways?" He continued, cradling the statue to his chest.

"Measure the hallways? Why is she doing that?"

"She's convinced that they are moving and getting smaller."

Coburn looked at her, and rubbed the five-day shadow on his chin. "You know, I sometimes think they do that too."

"Well, there you are. You can both satisfy your intellects that they are not getting smaller. Now GO! I have work to do."

Hooking an arm on her shoulders, Coburn steered her out of the workroom. "Come on kiddo, I know what will make you feel better. Let's go find Rhade so you can torment him."

Sighing, she leaned into him, placing her arms around his waist as they walked. "Nah. He keeps scraping his bone blades on the wall. That sound can get really grating."

"Hum, it does sounds irksome. How about video games? Movies?"

"Nah." She answered dispiritedly.

"What do you do when you're bored back on the Andromeda?"

"Play in the labs or machine shops. But they won't let me do that here. Rhade doesn't even want me to either. In fact he says when we get back that he's going to ban me from the Andromeda's also."

Coburn looked around, trying to think of something encouraging to say, even though he agreed with the SGC's and Rhade's ban. "I'm sure that you'll think of someway around that….Or something else will catch your attention." He stuttered to a stop thinking how equally bad both ideas were.

"You know, you're right. I'm smarter than Rhade, I can find away around this." Smiling up at Coburn brightly, she asked sweetly. "So, how about giving me a tour of the base?"

"I thought you had one already?"

"I did. But now I want you to give me one."

"Awfully demanding aren't you? I just got back from a mission. I haven't shit, showered or shaved yet. And I still have to write a report for the general."

"Oh come on." She said tugging on his arm. "You don't smell that bad. And just tell the general that you're showing me around and he won't be bothered. I'll even help you write you're report." She added generously.

"I thought that you didn't write or read English?"

"I don't. But I have been working on a Common program to translate for me. Or I could write it in Ancient or Japanese. Daniel has been teaching me those, and they are easy."

"Only you would call Ancient and Japanese easy." Coburn grimaced "And this would help me how? The general doesn't read Ancient or Japanese." He continued.

"Well, he could get Daniel to translate for him. That is his job isn't it?" She asked laughing infectiously.

Coburn couldn't help laughing with her. Still, he also couldn't help thinking she had ulterior motives.

She did have ulterior motives. She had just thought of a way to get off base possibly.

All she needed to do now was back track through the base and recheck security measures. i.e. camera angles, patrols, how many, how long etc.etc. But like she said, she was smarter than Rhade and also smaller. Which would come in handy if her plan worked.

Looking down at Fever, Coburn said, "Too bad you can't leave the base. You have the perfect Halloween costume already."

"Halloween? What is that?"

"Oh, it's a holiday for kids around here."

"A holiday like that Christmas day, where a fat man in red gets stuck in the chimney trying to deliver expensive toy products, and ugly gremlin creatures attack everyone?"

Smirking, Coburn said, "Kind of. Except that it's the children who dress in scary costumes and go door to door saying 'Trick or Treat'. If the person doesn't have candy to hand out, the kids pull tricks on them some what along the lines of criminal mischief."

She looked up at him with dreams of sugar highs dancing in her head. "Oh, people give you candy? Scary costumes? Criminal mischief? Sounds like my kind of holiday."

Coburn just laughed at her and gave her a hug.

Suddenly a sound like nails on a chalkboard sounded. Both Coburn and Fever gritted their teeth. She shivered her body against Coburn as the sound went on.

Coburn pressed a hand against his ear and popped his jaw. "I see what you mean about a grating noise."

"Am I interrupting something?" Rhade asked disapprovingly.

Coburn quickly stepped away, suddenly becoming aware of the inappropriateness of their closeness by Teal'q's raised eyebrows. He hastily said, "I'm glad that you enjoyed your tour. I'll leave you because I have to write a report for the general now."

"Are you ready to go to dinner Fever?" Rhade asked sternly.

"Spoilsport!" She huffed as she fell into step with them.

"Do you remember what I told you earlier?" Rhade asked sharply.

She shrugged, "Rhade I don't listen to half of what you say most of the time." She looked sideways at them, then stopped and snickered.

"What?" He asked exasperated.

"Did you know that you and Teal'q are almost identical?"

"Excuse me?" He asked scandalized.

"Is it a guy thing? Or a military thing? I'm kind of curious."

Teal'q and Rhade stared at her and then each other incomprehensively.

Teal'q said slowly as if to a simple child, "Are you hallucinating? Rhade and I do not resemble each other."

"You may look different, but you have the same movements and same expression boys." She walked past them, still snickering.

They watched her pass, hands clasped behind their backs, eyebrows raised.

Pushing her food around her plate, she looked at in disgust. Grimacing, she pushed away from the table. "I think I'll go to bed now."

Everyone stopped and looked at her. Sam finally asked, "Are you feeling well Fever?"

"Uh yeah, just not very hungry."

Cutting his food precisely, Rhade said, "You need more nutrition than you take in Fever. Contrary to your beliefs, sugar, caffeine, fat and energy bars don't make a balanced diet. And even though the food is barely palatable, it does provide all of your nutritional needs."

Now everyone looked at Rhade.

"Barely palatable?" Jack asked incredulously.

"I've got to admit from the viewpoint of someone who actually cooks some meals instead of using the microwave like you sir. The food is kind of unpalatable sir." Sam said as she looked at Jack. "Even if it does provide for all the nutritional needs." She continued.

"Everything does taste like chicken sir. Rubber chicken that is." Daniel added.

Jack looked at Teal'q and asked acidly, "Do you care to add anything while we're on the subject?"

"No. I believe that everything has already been said." Teal'q said with a small smile.

Rhade looked at the others as he swallowed, and then said, "Fever can't cook. When she isn't eating energy bars or inhaling caffeine, she makes sandwiches or eats from the auto chef. She has a simple palate."

"Hey I resent that!" She said indignantly. "I've eaten at nice restaurants!"

"And you chose your meals by something called eeny, meeny, miny, moe." Rhade said smugly. "And you still don't know how to cook."

"What does cooking have to do with palate?" She asked loftily.

"It helps to appreciate what you're eating."

"You don't know how to cook?" Daniel asked teasingly. "Maybe that's what I'll teach you next. We'll start with boiling water." He laughed at the dirty expression she threw him.

"Who needs to cook? There's usually an auto chef around somewhere." She snapped grumpily.

Sam leaned over and patted her hand. "It's okay, lots of people don't know how to cook. Look at the general. He's gotten through most of his life without learning how to cook. If Murphy's didn't serve take out, he'd have starved to death long ago."

"Hey, I resent that!" Jack said indignantly.


End file.
